This week is the last week of my academic year and I cannot be more ecstatic. Summer has been dragging her feet and I'm bout ready to snatch a mafuck'n bitch and pop mad caps in dat ass, on the real. bitch.
For me, the summer means two things; money and braces. I'm really stoked about the money, not so much on the braces, but hey, it needs to be done so why not now? I'm aware that I'm about 6 years late on the braces craze, but I figure that if I've reached physical perfection by 25 that I'll still stand some chance of making something of myself. Let's be honest, in this country, being unattractive will never get you that promotion. Be as smart as you want to be bro, but that guy who's filling out the sleeves of that baby blue button up with his perfectly sculpted arms and dashing smile has already accepted the raise. All that's left is for you to do is walk humbly by his cubicle while he prepares to move into an office and you prepare to kill yourself in the parking lot using stolen office supplies (which, by the way, will get more press than your actual death). VIVA LA AMERICA!
(Oh,and I'll see Markesha too)
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
You're 18 and I hate you
I'm finally starting to realize that I'm aging and that there are people that are just now graduating from High School and beginning to look for colleges and it makes me sick. Like, who graduates from High School anymore, I mean, that's so 2006. I'm actually jealous of these kids. I would give anything to be a freshman in college again, I would actually work and apply for internships instead of blacking out on the bathroom floor of my fraternity house.
I remember when I was in High School, the only thing that mattered was the day that I'd live in an ACTUAL DORM with other "college kids" where I'd get drunk and become a whore and live my life just like I'd seen on The National Lampoon Movies. The reality of the life I ended up leading was substantially different than what I had expected. I was unaware that getting drunk led to puking out your life as you cried to the bottom of the toilet making deals with God that you'd never ever drink again if he'd only release you from regurgitating your pelvis.
I wonder what college would have been like if I'd gone to a larger school in New York. Would I have attended a celebrity hosted party by now, or possibly ran into dozens of iconic figures that I see on my magic picture box everyday? Would I dress differently, being influenced by the mecca of fashion? I think I'd probably just be dead.
I really like Asparagus.
I was reading the requirements for auditioning for MTV's The Real World, (why? Because it's my right as an American youth to try out...don't EVEN act like you haven't thought about) and I saw that the age cut off is 25....WHAAT! I'm almost too old to be on The Real World! Gross. This getting older thing is so lame. Before you know it, I'll like have a house and an actual job....and a budget, and some cats. This sucks hard!
I'll just start lying now.
"Hey! How old are you?"
"11 and loving it."
I remember when I was in High School, the only thing that mattered was the day that I'd live in an ACTUAL DORM with other "college kids" where I'd get drunk and become a whore and live my life just like I'd seen on The National Lampoon Movies. The reality of the life I ended up leading was substantially different than what I had expected. I was unaware that getting drunk led to puking out your life as you cried to the bottom of the toilet making deals with God that you'd never ever drink again if he'd only release you from regurgitating your pelvis.
I wonder what college would have been like if I'd gone to a larger school in New York. Would I have attended a celebrity hosted party by now, or possibly ran into dozens of iconic figures that I see on my magic picture box everyday? Would I dress differently, being influenced by the mecca of fashion? I think I'd probably just be dead.
I really like Asparagus.
I was reading the requirements for auditioning for MTV's The Real World, (why? Because it's my right as an American youth to try out...don't EVEN act like you haven't thought about) and I saw that the age cut off is 25....WHAAT! I'm almost too old to be on The Real World! Gross. This getting older thing is so lame. Before you know it, I'll like have a house and an actual job....and a budget, and some cats. This sucks hard!
I'll just start lying now.
"Hey! How old are you?"
"11 and loving it."
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