The Script: Science & Faith

The sophomore album of the UK pop/rock/soul/indie band, The Script.

It shall be on repeat all season long.

NO, GO AWAY!

Fuck off together...

It's become an unearthly habit of mine to seek pain. To search for some extraneous force to pierce my self confidence, to destroy any hope that I have for myself. To loath my own existence. I can't pinpoint where this need for self degradation is rooted, but of course it's most likely tied to some deep, buried, sheathed "daddy" issue.

Men.

Why me? Why us?

We chose this, right?

Maybe in some past life or afterlife rendezvous with the creator, we WERE given a choice. So many of us chose wrong. I'd give anything to be like them. To wake up next to her. To know that one day, she'd walk down an isle in a gown that'll take my breath away. To plan the birth of my child. To live "right", to not be an "abomination". To not have to deal with trying to make two men work as a man and a woman.

It's like we're a joke. Some cruel game. I hate my life. I hate being gay. I hurt. We all hurt. There are easy ways out, but I'm in no hurry to go to hell so...I suppose living is the least of two evils.

Hasan, Sam, Jake, Zed, Dan... you all should have NEVER happened. I should have never fallen in love with any of you. I should have been with a beautiful woman, not with any of you. I'm sorry that you all met me. Honestly, I'm sorry I was ever born. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to fight this.

Dad,

I hate you. You passed this to me. I'm sorry that you were born. I'm sorry that you ruined my mother's life. I will never forgive you. I hate you for every word that crawled from your mouth during that car ride. I will be alone, FINE. But why stop at men. I don't want anyone to say that they love me. What's the point? I will never be able to love anyone back because I hate myself. I hate you. I HATE YOU.

So, I suppose that I do have daddy issues.

God,

let's not do this again...

you've given me no reason to believe that I won't burn forever in hell because of the way that YOU MADE ME. So, you and my dad can fuck off together. Thank you.

Bye.

It's time for a new Dexter. Fuck men. Fuck God. Fuck Love. At the end of the day, all that is REAL is the fact that I'm just another fucking fag...

MARINA AND THE DIAMONDS | I AM NOT A ROBOT[mood play]

Dear Blogsters. Try this...play this song as you read. It's what I like to call Mood Play.

What do you want from me?

To break down in tears

To cry out your name

To say that you were too good for me

To grovel at your feet

To curse my own existence

To say they were right

I won't.

Truth of the matter is that mistakes, no matter how large nor small are valuable to me. I cherish the chance to fuck up and to learn. It pleases me to know that I've messed up, it lets me know that I've still got a ways to go.

I'll never be perfect enough for everyone and such a goal is no longer desired. I only wish to look through the mirror and see what's really there.

IMMA BOSS!

Unlucky us, eh?

You know that character in a movie that's so damaged from past experiences that they're now incapable of having a successful relationship? You know the one, the quirky, cute, yet not hot character that is pursued by the male lead? The one that would rather push the obvious away just to avoid being hurt or in a dead-end romance? I used to wonder how they got there...how someone could ever give up on love, how being with someone could not be ones end goal.

I understand now.

I've accumulated so many failed relationships in these past few months that I hardly recognize myself. Some were my fault, some were not. Yet they all were the same. One thing was evident in all of my failures...there was someone chasing and someone being chased after. Though in some instances, such a formula is the norm and effective in keeping people interested in each other. But, in my film, one was always thrown away. He threw me away, despite my efforts to be his knight in shining armor and I threw him away out of an inescapable feeling of normality and mediocrity.

All of these men taught me so much about myself and relationships:

1. I am only good for a laugh.
2. No gay man really wants love.
3. If you settle--if he settles, you'll both regret it.
4. Love, though a pretty idea, does not exist...especially for gay men.
5. Any attraction to me has an expiration date...so far, it's 2 weeks.
6. I'm going to be alone and should become used to the idea. Without dramatics or over analytical perceptions, I believe this to be true...a very important man to me spoke these words to me in confidence. (Thanks Dad, the first thing I've ever learned from you, glad we got so close)
7. No matter how sweet a man seems, if you do him wrong, he WILL turn.
8. Gay men are not worth love. They are driven only by passion and fleeting emotions. Hoping from man to man without regard to the last.
9. I'd rather be ALONE than to ever trust myself in another relationship.
10. Being gay is a curse that I wish I could be cured of.

Evidence: "I think I Wanna Marry You"

BLOG! Fat Titties are everywhere and I don't have enough hand to palm them all...frustration station. I have a story of epic cuteness that I must share with you, so take a load off from the stress of being mildly attractive and slightly overweight like the rest of us, to read a tale of food, passion and new beginnings.

It's the beginning of Winter Break and I start dating this amazing guy (now boyfriend) named Hasan, we follow the basic procedure of exchanging favorites and interests. I tell him that I'm a fan of sweet things and of course he's a fan of all things salty. I like sugar, he can't get enough of high cholesterol. He asks me what my favorite thing to drink is, I tell him that I am quite fond of "Chad's" from Sonic, Chad's being the name created by my friends as a Lemon Berry Slush with extra Lemon and extra lime. He tells me that his favorite beverage is Water. Just water. I find this odd, but nonetheless, interesting. We venture further into favorite colors, mine green, his black and so forth until we get to food. I ask "What do you prefer to eat" He replies "sushi" and I say Fettuccine. I tell him that this break had been beyond my wildest expectations as I had met AMAZING friends and gone dancing nearly every night and had the privilege of coming home to kick it with him. I did, however, express my unsatisfactory goal to acquire some White Castles...I had been in St. Louis for weeks now and still had not indulged in it's wonderful mini-burger goodness. But, I digress.

The morning I left, he stayed the night and as I walked him to his car, I felt a sharp pain of longing for him even though he had not yet left my sight. I reluctantly hug and kiss him goodbye and watch as his car drifts towards the empty streets ahead. I then tread back upstairs to finnish packing my life away in preparation to return to school.

About twenty minutes later, I receive a text message from him asking me to come downstairs because he had forgotten to give me something. I walk out to his car and up to his window and he is smiling at me...I felt like he was going to shoot and or stab me, so I approached while creating an escape plan simultaneously. I reach the car and he pulls out this...

Evidence A: White Castles (Double Bacon Cheeseburgers, Cheese Chicken Rings) and Sonic (A Chad)

I'm going to Marry this kid.

My presence is a present, kiss my ass

***2011! New Years 2011!***

The night started with Dinner at Gustavos where I met up with Chris, Gustavo, Kelly and Nelly.

And might I just add that I'm completely in love with Kelly, she's a bad ass Lesbian with a rack that I cannot get enough of. By far, my party twin.

We all pre-gamed like loko champs and headed out to The Complex where the line was ridiculous so we dropped out and headed to JJ and Erneys where we danced until the floor cried out for a break. Then midnight approached and RIGHT before the countdown began, but after my hair gave up on me, HE showed up and gave me the best New Year ever. ♥

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