Unlucky us, eh?

You know that character in a movie that's so damaged from past experiences that they're now incapable of having a successful relationship? You know the one, the quirky, cute, yet not hot character that is pursued by the male lead? The one that would rather push the obvious away just to avoid being hurt or in a dead-end romance? I used to wonder how they got there...how someone could ever give up on love, how being with someone could not be ones end goal.

I understand now.

I've accumulated so many failed relationships in these past few months that I hardly recognize myself. Some were my fault, some were not. Yet they all were the same. One thing was evident in all of my failures...there was someone chasing and someone being chased after. Though in some instances, such a formula is the norm and effective in keeping people interested in each other. But, in my film, one was always thrown away. He threw me away, despite my efforts to be his knight in shining armor and I threw him away out of an inescapable feeling of normality and mediocrity.

All of these men taught me so much about myself and relationships:

1. I am only good for a laugh.
2. No gay man really wants love.
3. If you settle--if he settles, you'll both regret it.
4. Love, though a pretty idea, does not exist...especially for gay men.
5. Any attraction to me has an expiration date...so far, it's 2 weeks.
6. I'm going to be alone and should become used to the idea. Without dramatics or over analytical perceptions, I believe this to be true...a very important man to me spoke these words to me in confidence. (Thanks Dad, the first thing I've ever learned from you, glad we got so close)
7. No matter how sweet a man seems, if you do him wrong, he WILL turn.
8. Gay men are not worth love. They are driven only by passion and fleeting emotions. Hoping from man to man without regard to the last.
9. I'd rather be ALONE than to ever trust myself in another relationship.
10. Being gay is a curse that I wish I could be cured of.