Sara Bareilles - Gravity (mood play)

Dear Blogsters. Try this...play this song as you read. It's what I like to call Mood Play.

To you.

I wish I could just move on.

-but I can't. Maybe it's a gay trait that I haven't learned yet, but when I give myself to someone, I'm theirs. So I try to move on but end up waiting for them to realize in a moment that I'm still there. I knew this moment would come, but so soon was completely devastating. I hope that he treats you well. You shared a night and I pray that that's not all it was to him. As MUCH as I want to hate you, I just can't. As much as I wanted to just grab you and tell you how I felt, as much as I pick up my phone to text you, I can't. Don't go all out for this guy. A guard is a good thing, it keeps you safe. I wish I had listened to mine. I'd give so much for us to be right for each other, but I'm certain that what I'm feeling is so harshly one-sided that it's nearly impossible. It hurt to read what happened that night, I can't ever recall crying over a dude.

That night. The night that I had reluctantly rushed into. The night that I knew shouldn't have happened. But, I decided that I'd just surprise you. I had spent hours on a card for you and needed to see your face as you read it, but when I got there, he was there. I guess his surprise was better than mine. You hugged me and took the card. I knew at that moment that we were over. I mean, come on, he's a good looking dude. I just hope that he treats you as well as I tried to. I had changed so much in anticipation for you. I was hoping that you were it. You weren't. To be honest, to this day, I'll still never talk shit on you. I just can't. You're a good guy, you just don't express yourself well. All I wanted from you was to feel like I wasn't someone to sleep with. I never quite got what I was looking for. I miss you. I can't tell you how many times I've had to throw my phone across the room to avoid texting you. I can't count how many times I replayed that night in my head.

If it's a game that you're after, consider yourself victor. I've lost and I don't care. You taught me so much about myself and relationships that I wouldn't take back one moment. I got hurt, I've doubted myself, I cried, I screamed, I got pissed. But I smiled A LOT, I woke up thinking about an amazing guy, I saw you and fell and in most ways I'm still falling. I got to kiss you. I got to look you in the eyes. I got to feel your heartbeat. I got to tell someone secrets that I'd been afraid of speaking. I got to be real with someone. I got to meet some really cool people. I got sit down and make shit for you. I got to work hard to take the time off to visit you. I got to believe in something bigger than myself. I got to fall in love.

To him.

Treat this one good, bro. He's a lot to handle but if you stick with it I'm certain that it'll be worth it. When he says he doesn't want to talk to you, he's actually trying to say "call me right now". When he says "I hate you" it's only because "I love you" is too hard to say. If you ever get him to say it to your face, be sure to realize how lucky you are. If you ever manage to get through the walls that he's set up, then I shall tip my hat to you for being the man that I could never be. He's extremely sarcastic, but for now it's the best way for him to tell you that he cares. You don't want to be on this side of the fence, believe me. No hard feelings either. I wish someone had given me instructions on him.

OH! And don't call his mom "Ma'am" she doesn't like it. And when/if you meet his dad, make sure you fix that handshake, it was a little weak at the club.

Good luck.

Sam,

I would like to say this is goodbye, but I know myself better than that. I'm still here. What's in that card still stands. I'll always be someone to talk to if you need it. You're never really alone.

Love,

Dexter...who is not the Zero.

Complex made it real simple.

Im over us.

I knew that coming would be a mistake yet I went. But strangely, I just didn't really care to see you beyond handing you that card. It was really nice to see you drinking though, further validation of how wrong you are for me shortly follwed after greeting you.

In other news, I met a shit ton of people. After complex a bunch of us went to South City Diner for food at 4 and talked forever. Hasan is quite possibly the chillest dude ever, can't wait to see him again. Im glad that I went out with them because I was definitely planning on staying home. December break shall be a contiuation of such madness with Meg and Has and whoever else they bring along that I get to meet. I got a few numbers (none of which Ill use) but its nice to be asked. I drank, I danced, I made some friends....the night was good.

*Thank you Chris for buying me dinner, you're a sweetheart*

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Thanksgiving

Im grateful for all that I am and even more so for everything that I'm about to be.

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Our Apartment, cross your fingers!

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

D²

Sent straight from Heaven

You have no idea how much you've saved me. I was so close to calling it quits and just moving, prematurely onto my next phase of life, destined to fail. Next semester is going to be amazing.

You're my angel. Seriously, thank you. ♥Roomie♥

Keri Hilson - Pretty Girl Rock

You think I'd be used to being...

...second place.

SO LAME!

When will it settle? Why can't I learn this lesson? Why can't I just put you away and move on...

As strong as I am, I fall PREY to my heart EVERY SINGLE TIME! No matter how many men walk away or prove unfit, I still cling and hope. I just need to grow up.

"Don't search, it will hit you unexpectedly"

-Kalli

Let's hope you're right.

Until then, it's time to focus on me...again.

YOU MAD! (yeah, you mad) #1

Okay, so I'm trying to blog out this odd, limbo like feeling that's been draped over me for the last week. SO! I'm just going to say what's on my mind in no order or structure 'cause that's how I'm feeling.

Fuck

you

heeeeey boooo

I think that when I pretended to sell my soul to satan that he took that shit too seriously and took it.

Fart bubbles from Dori

Keep him down

All eyes on me

Keri hilson aint no Hilton

Cooper Dooper Fooper

Fupa

My Dad hates me

I miss my mom

WHAAAAAT

GUUUUURL

okay, foreall

What is going on?????

Markesha, I'm confused on how to talk to you

I don't want any of this anymore!!!!

Sam

Sam

Sam

Sam

Sam

Sam

♥

So what now?

REPEAT OFFENDER

Make that money and shake that ass

Hooker

Not a Brittney

Ryon

Adam

Monty

Trenton

Travis

THE JOSH!

DOOOOOOOP

Cheerleading is the devil's heaven

Boys wanna marry...each other

LET MY PEOPLE GO!

Pretty Boys get it in

Randall thinks I'm ugly

awwwww, AHAHAHAHAHAHAAH

Why?

Hello?

Do the pretty girl rock

TExt me.

Love me.

Be here

Nope!

Here's the thing #234

I don't know.

You know what I mean?

I don't know why I'm unable to find my place. I don't belong here, but for some reason I feel that I don't belong there either.

I don't know why I'm unable to make you happy. I can't be everything to everyone and for some reason, I'm being punished for it.

I don't know why I'm single. I mean like, come one, at first they told me I was ugly, then I was fat...now I'm not really either and yet here I am.

I don't know why I'm so burned out on my own life. I need to get away, but have no idea to where or to do what.

All I have to look forward to is the hours when I can plug in my headphones and workout. Working towards a goal of physical perfection, but to who's benefit? Definitely not mine, because I loved myself when I was fat as that thang. I suppose that it's to corner my depression. If I can no longer dog myself then I'll be forced to be pleased and content...is that a good idea? It's a long shot, but it's nonetheless the only thing keeping me sane these days.

Deuces

hmm, so who is surprised that Sam and I only last two weeks?

Oh...am I the only one?

OOOOH SHIT!

Well, instead of getting all depressed like I'd to, I'm just going to say Deuces. I thought you had some real promise, but alas, you're a child and would rather be hurt by your ex. AYYYYE! To each his own, right? I'm not even mad as I thought that I'd be. Mainly because Chris Brown's "Deuces" is spitting some much need lyrical bliss in my frontal lobe right now. So, see you around at staff. I hope it won't be awkward 'cause I'd still like to kick it, plus your friends are pretty cool, I think the fact that I'm loosing them is worse than me loosing you, well, almost seeing that I knew them about as long as I knew you.

What's sad about this:

Im officially done with men. Never again. Gay men are the root of the most honest pain that I've ever experienced.

I will never trust myself again when it comes to matters of the heart. I should have just listened to Brea and made you a weekend fuck and left it at that.

I've lost all hope that I will move on from Jake! HAHHAHAHAHAAH, How sad! He was like the worst person for me and yet he's still the best I've ever had! DAAAAAFUUCK!!

I bottomed for you...yeah, that's enough said. Never, ever, EVER again. Worst pain ever and not even worth it in the end.

What's good about this:

Your ex can feel better about himself now that he's got you back around his fingers (hope that works out for you)

I got off, like 3 times in a weekend. That's a success in any case.

Oh, all those dudes that want you, can have you now! Be Free!

I get to get REALLY drunk instead of spending that money on a date with you.

I don't have to shave my ass anymore! DOOOOOP!

So I'm a little mad, but that's better than crying.

You know, it's damn near comical that we started this relationship off in opposite seats. You were all about me, pushing this further faster than normal and I was just along for the ride. You said ILY long before I did and I thought that you were out of your mind, but just thought that it was just you being young. THEN! I fell for you, I started to see myself loving you. I was the one pushing and trying harder. I was then head over heels. And I even said that I loved you!! PHAH! WE HAD BARELY KNOW EACH OTHER FOR A MONTH! ahhhhhhh, how amazing how things start off beautifully then 3 hours of skype and a failed question later, you're single again.

Oh well, into the past you go.

Dexter. Your ex.

You were right. About it all. I'll never learn.

We The Kings - We'll Be A Dream ft. Demi Lovato

Breaking down

There's this undeniable, indescribable, inescapable feeling of supreme failure occurring internally during an unprecedented era of personal success. But why? Why such a strong contradicting and conflicting feeling? If the answer is out there, it is trying it's damnedest to elude and evade me.

I'm a failure! I've let myself down. I've rushed, I've slacked, I've misjudged and lied to my heart. UGH! I want to stop. I want it all to just stop. I've messed over you, instead of taking my time to cherish you. I'm a failure. This invisible game that plays on in my head has you as victor. I loose. I'm not worthy of your time, it's time you see that.

I'm a mess, already. Great. Fail.

Again.

I can't do this for much longer, I'm treading through life with no direction, stagnant in this dismal town at this fucking dreadful institution. I despise everything. I'm trying so hard to encourage myself, but it's almost as if I'm no longer buying my own lies.