Recycle and Remember me not

When Antonnio broke up with me to date Travis, I thought that he was an asshole. I thought that it can't be that easy for anyone to throw another person away, that there must be something wrong with him. But, recent events have lead me to believe that it isn't him, it's me. There is something about me that is fairly simple to discard.

My rooommate, Vashti, a week ago dropped the bomb that she wasn't renewing the lease with me, that she wanted to move in with some other people closer to school. It was 2 days before she started moving out. I can't afford this place alone so I'm being forced to either sleep on her couch at the new place or go back home. Of course I'm going home. Yesterday night, when a few of my boys where over, she came with a group of guys (TKE pledges) and took the sofa and tv stand right from under us. She literally asked us to move onto the love seat so that she could take the sofa. Worst part is that I got no text or warning. We had JUST had a connverstation about the furniture about an hour before she came and she said that she was going to leave the furniture as long as possible because I really didn't want to live in an empty house with nowhere to sit for the little time that I had left (which was about a week). When they took these things, she didn't clean up from the mess that was under the furniture. CLEANING...

Let me vent a little. Vashti is one of the boys, meaning she thinks and acts more like a boy than your typical 115lbs. white girl. Unfortunately that means that she does NOT clean, ever. They had a dog that would shit everywhere in the house or piss and only ONCE did I ever see her clean up after him. I would always scrub, hands and knees SCRUB the piss and shit clean. I also cleaned the bathroom, shower and toilet and the rest of the apartment top to bottom. Then she decided to rescue some kittens and they went H.A.M. on our house, I'm talking a shitarmagedon everyday. NOT ONCE did she ever clean up after them. It was always me. And now that we're leaving, I got homes for the kittens, just like I was forced to get a home for the dog. She just complained about the animals and went home on the weekends, leaving me with a gross house that she never cleaned and a destroyed carpet that I ALWAYS CLEANED before she came back from home.

Well there are all these cat pee and poo stains and piles behind bookcases and tv stands and where ever else they decided to go. Well, I cleaned the majority of them and planned on cleaning the hidden piles when we all left and came to clean for inspection. I never received, or really wanted a "thank you" because it was OUR home and I didn't want her living in filth anymore than I wanted to live in it.

After all of that, when she didn't even clean up the mess that now lies in place of all of our furniture, I've concluded that she just expects me to clean it up or just doesn't care that it's there. Either way, she doesn't care about me. She couldn't wait to leave. I had driven her away that much that she was able to snatch the furniture from under my friends and myself and leave trash, cords, dvds, books, stains and other shit lying all over the floor in the livingroom that I had JUST cleaned a day before. She didn't even sleep her last night. I woke up from another Antonnio dream feeling worthless and lame, just to walk out to an empty, cold, fucked up home. My room is still perfectly intact and the only thing keeping me sane. This house used to be my source of joy and relaxation, but now, like my memories of Antonnnio, they burn and torture me. She left just as quickly as he did and with just as much heart. The last thing she did was stand by the door and when our eyes met, she made a sad, frown face and closed the door. I don't care if I ever see her again.

Generic Heartache understood.

I can't stop hurting. I can't stop hurting! My heart won't stop aching, my breaths won't stop racing and my mind won't stop wondering.

It's been WEEKS but I still burn like it all happened yesterday.

I can never date again. I can't imagine ever going through this again. I'm being tortured by myself. He's COMPLETELY moved on like everyone else and I'm still so alone and without worth.

I know that I'm a good man, but I can't see it or feel it. I only feel used, ugly and damned.

I used to mock people that walked away from relationships torn and damaged. Why not just get over it, push that loser aside and move on? Naive. I was so blind to the real dangers and chance of loving someone. I'm realizing that rarely do two people walk away from a relationship. Someone is always left on the ground, gasping for air and understanding.

You have damaged me. I will NEVER forget you. I can't forgive you because I haven't healed, at all. There's only tears and raw emotion streaming at a constant. A never ending plague of harsh self judgement and insecurity. I didn't know I loved you like this. I didn't know I could ever be this damn stuck on someone.

I hate you, but TRAGICALLY, I love you more.

I fight posting statuses and tweets about you and him, because I don't want to be so obvious, but I just want you to know that you've harmed someone on this Earth, deep. You've removed my hope and taken with you, my joy and love for myself.

I used to wish and pray that I'd wake up and all of our memories were erased, but now I hope that I NEVER FORGET this relationship. I want this pain to resonate within for as long as I live, because I'd rather push everyone away for the rest of my life and die alone than to EVER endure this emotional war tale again.

Dumped

It's all gone.

Antonnio left me.

My roommate told me she doesn't want to renew the lease and that she's moving in with someone else this week.

I have to go back home.

I lost my job.

Rock. Bottom.

Get it out.

I'm so sorry, Dexter.

I just want it all to stop.

The doubts, the thoughts, the never-ending letdowns, the tears, the anger, the heartache.

I'm attempting to purge this mood by letting it out, by talking to the only person I can, you.

Yet, it is without harvest.

I am still gray.

My joy is elsewhere.

I sit here, alone, betrayed by myself again.

Honestly, I wish I could just fall asleep and stay that way. I'm beyond repair. A wrecked shell of circumstance and irresponsibility and mediocrity. A useless, shattered toy, too delicate to be held. I hate myself, the man I've become, the failure. Easily pushed aside for better and never looked back upon.

I wish I knew the real reasons you left. I wish you could tell me what was so ugly about me that made it possible to fall in someone else's arms a day from being in mine. How? How was it so easy? Why didn't I matter...to any of you.

Jake, why didn't I matter enough to keep you from Jordan's arms?

Sam, you practically sprinted to B.J.

Antonnio, I don't even think you waited until we had broken up to move on.

I'm so easily replaced.

What value do I have to place on myself?

And so it goes...

You know when people say that their life has "fallen apart"?

I wish that my life could fall apart.

Falling apart means that at one point everything was together.

I'm losing everything. My home, my job, my self.

I lost Antonnio to my faults and now they come to claim everything else.

Take it, but please don't leave me.

I'm only 23, but I'm already so tired of this battle.

I used to rely on the thought of a "God" that was above watching my suffering in hopes that my perseverance would lead me to where he needs me to be. But the reality is that believing in a God is much easier than accepting that you don't really matter and there is no divine plan, just the rotation of the earth around the Sun.

I have no strength in myself. My trust issues, unfortunately, apply to myself more than others. I don't believe that I'll ever get it together, I've entered a world of debt, low income and massive amounts of doubt.

I have no idea what to do now...

No longer

There is no worth in a boyfriend/husband.

I can get sex (if I want it) from a stranger and fun from my friends.

Why would I throw a title on someone and my tie my heart to an individual that WILL only let me down.

I am no exception. I can only cause harm, eventually. So why waste my, or another's time?

Exactly.

Carry on, my wayward cunt.

I thought my esteem would diminish and I'd hate the idea of you being in someone else's arms, but in all honesty, you've been the easiest to lose. You are the first. The first boy to break up with me JUST to date someone new a few days later. You are the first ex that I will never be friends with or communicate with. You are the first person to successfully manipulate me. You are the first person in my life that I wish neither good or bad. I simply only wish for you to be the first thing I truly forget.

Worthless

The whole lot of them.

I HAVE TRUST ISSUES NOW!

How exciting!

I doubt every day that you're not in my sight.

Want some insight on how I think? Yeah?! k. Check it...

You've hung out with him multiple times since you've been back and in your mind you can't wait to kiss him for the first time. You text me to say you're headed to bed so I won't text you for the night so you're free to swoon over him.

PLEASE cheat. I want you to, I want you to give me a reason to set this damn state on fire. IF you fall in love with him, I will hurt you. I'm so fucking serious. I'm also fucking crazy.

*****NEW PERSON******

YOU HAVE NO IDEA THAT I STILL LOVE YOU (as a friend). I talk to you about my problems just to keep contact with you, but you care not ---FUCKING PIECES OF SHIT! ALL OF YOU!

Fucking and sucking each other into heartache.

HURTFUL CREATURES OF DESPAIR AND PAIN.

I want out of this circle.

I want to be done with you, him and him.

I'm hurt.

Obviously.

Sit and spin, fags. I'll never love another man. They aren't worth it. I get ONE life and I'm wasting it attempting to make someone love me. FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!

I now have a headache from shaking it in disappointment.

YOU GODDAMN BITCHESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm done.

Go away.

Dexter was here.

Everyone fears dying and not having left behind anything worthy of being remembered. We don't want to be just another person that came and went without recognition, a series of routines and stagnant and purposeless actions. I want to be important, loved and missed when I'm gone. I want the world to stop for a moment to reflect on what I've done...we all do, but we feel like such admiration is reserved for celebrities and the wealthy. Not True. Wether on a global scale or just in my town, EVERYONE will know that I was here. I loved. I created. I worked hard. I sacrificed. I laughed. I brought joy, raised some hell and made you smile. YOU reading this, whoever you are, however you know me, please never forget that I was here.

Someone Dupstep my life, PLEASE!

All I try to do is the right thing, but I never fail at failing.

The older I get, the more real the world becomes. When I was younger, I always thought about poor people and people with addictions and thought "wow, that could never be me" I thought that prosperity and sobriety would just float to me, like I wouldn't have to work for the finner things in life. The truth is so much scarier. I could very easily live as a poor man with MULTIPLE addictions. THAT life is easiest. You dont have to work for much at all. Now I see why most of this nation is impoverished. It's the best job in the world. Sometimes, world, I sit and cry thinking about the job I've done raising myself post parentals. They did a superb job, although, I would have liked to have gotten a car in my youth. I do imagine my life NOW being better if I would have ever owned a car. But, ever since college, I've been on my own and I've been letting myself down in a vicious circle of bad decisions and layers upon layers of lies.

In Marshall, Mo, where I am now since leaving New York, I work at Applebees as a server/bartender. I make in a week and a half, what I could make in two days in New York. lol, but then again my rent is $133/month THANK YA LORD! But, seriously, my job blows, not because of money or serving, all of my friends are there as well, I just don't like to work. I'm lazy and resistant to the idea of being forced to perform truly unnecessary duties day in and out for imaginary paper currency. See, this is why I NEED to be in school. I don't care if I'm 40 years old, I will get done with school.

When it rains, it pours.

Could someone please tell me why I moved here? I had it all back home. Great friends, an awesome job teaching what I loved, I was on my way to a degree to become a teacher. It was so wonderful as it was and I couldn't see it.

I traded my near perfect life for this. A severe feeling of inadequacy, normality and self doubt. I love who I am! But, I don't know love who I am.

My "Bring it On" callback was today. Today was supposed to be "my day" the day that changed it all for me. Today I was to reassure myself that staying here was the right choice, that giving up school, Brett, NCA, TKE and my boys was necessary in order to become the best Dexter possible. But all I'm walking away with is a "thank you all for your time, you are free to go". I can lie to myself and regain a bit of joy to this shit show, but for what?

I thought I was special. lol

I really did.

I thought that I was unique in my personality and in my skills, but there truly is always someone better...waiting to let you know that truth. Today those men showed me what it really means to be in New York. They were all so beautiful, black, tall, fit, personable with dashing smiles that matched their amazing skills. I blended in...and out.

I'm nothing special. I'm not ever going to be someone's "yes" in this city. I'm just another nameless face trying to get someone to recognize that THEY AREN'T THE SAME AS EVERYONE ELSE. But the TRUTH is that you are. WE are. I am. The same.

They won't call me back. I'm not exceptional in anything. There were better cheerleaders there, better singers, better dancers, better actors, all much more beautiful and vibrant than the last.

I wouldn't cast me. I'm nice...but in all honesty I can't bring anything to the table that isn't already there.

So, like, what now? Pack it up and return home a failure, a weakling not strong enough to endure the cut throat agenda of the BIG APPLE? But go home to do what?

Go back to school.

Get a real job, teaching.

Fall in love.

Start a family.

That sounds pretty good.

Because of my current emotional turmoil, I decided to NOT go to work, leaving multiple people in a crisis. I couldn't go back to work anyhow because due to my procrastination, I haven't cashed my check yet, so my bills are late and I'm without metro fair.

This is the worst that I've ever felt since being here.

I don't even have a room to go and cry in. I'm living on the couch in the living-room so I have 0 privacy or a place of refuge. I'm trapped! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH please, someone. Anyone. I can't. I've made so many mistakes, I'm sabotaging my OWN LIFE AND I CAN'T STOP! I'm watching myself make the wrong decisions and I can't stop. I don't feel like myself. I'm my worst enemy, really...I care so much for myself but I can't stop hurting myself.

I'M ALONE.

No friends.

No Boyfriend.

No one to vent to.

I can't talk to my usual friends, because I can't let them know how fucked up I am.

But I can talk to you.

You know. The one person in this world that I miss, truly more than anyone else...Jake Cypret.

He was my best friend. So smug and self righteous, but honest as they came, as loyal as they came, as sweet as they came, as beautiful inside as out.

But. I fucked that one up too.

I'm done.

I actually feel a bit better.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I will have to face the charred remains of the many bridges that went up in flames today.

But, that's tomorrow.

This is now.

Now, I'm going to smoke, drink and hopefully do enough of the both that none of this SHIT is going to matter. Stay tuned for the post that'll let you know which rehab you can send candy to.

You don't deserve the time he spends with you.

You don't deserve every "I love you" that slips from his hesitant lips.

You don't deserve the energy his focuses on you.

You can't love him. You can tell me every tale in the book in favor of your own DELUSIONS, but actions, speak louder than any fable. YOU are still with him, suffocating the light from his life with NO intent of return. You cannot love him if you let him stay with you. Love is many things, but selfish it is not. When you truly love someone, their needs become more vital than your own.

Let him go, bro.

And not for me, either. Though, honestly, I know that I would make him happy. I know that I would be able to release him from the haze he walks around in. You stagnate any personal goals and progress that should occur because he's too occupied dealing with your worthless issues. I know that with me, he'll grow.

Let him go because he's a fascinating, beautiful, proud and loving man and you're a gigantic man-child with a hellofa possessive complex, not to mention a gross interior that matches wonderfully with your gloriously grosstastic exterior. Dude, I was writing this post as a more intellectually sound, mature response to how your handle some precious goods, but the longer I try to tip toe across the subject in said topic, I become furious. You're...you like, anger me. lol. I don't know you, I cannot say that I have the pleasure? of knowing you as a person. HOWEVER, sir, I know what you can do. I know that you can crush a rose. I'm almost in a state of amazement at just HOW much I don't like you. And this is quite odd because you've done absolutely nothing to me, but you've done and continue to do things to someone that intrigues and captivates me.

Whatever--

I'm just going to say this...

Tread very carefully.

UPDATE: MAY 2011

I've been a Tumblr hiadus, but am back. :)

http://xenderking.tumblr.com (click)

I've been going through a lot lately. Single. Missing. Wanting. Winning.

I'm single, again. My plans to move back to MO were thwarted by a rather wonderful surprise. Moving home would landed me a GREAT guy, college cheer with a pretty decent squad, a degree, and a happy mother.

But, I learned through that situation that Im in love with myself and that I cannot easily deny myself things that I know will ultimately make him a happy and encouraged person.

That's it!...I love myself.

*OMG, I had a plan for this post, but I'll detach for just a second to deal with this epiphany I'm currently having.*

I'm utterly in love with myself. There's nothing that I wouldn't do for myself, I'd hurt the feelings of others to avoid myself pain.

Oh wow. Being selfish is just a great, one sided, love story.

BACK TO THE UPDATE!

I've been missing everyone back home and I have to say that facebook makes it so much harder to go out and get new friends when all you really want to do is see what your old ones are doing...and having facebook cater to such a creepy want is AWESOME.

I've been wanting someone for quite sometime now and I feel that soon it'll happen.

I got a callback for a Broadway show, my first audition ever. It was gnarley. Winning!

Mindfukmusic! Sam Sparro - Black & Gold

Dissertation about this later. No Foreal, this song made me break DOWN when I finally listened to what it's aboot. Foreal....Imma write a BOOK on this song. Stay tuned.

Where's my head at?

Complete destruction.

I'm in a mental state of shattering falsehoods that had set up shop in my life.

There are two kinds of Falsehoods:

1.) Reinforced Insecurities and Prejudice- concepts on love, fashion, happiness, and beauty that have been influenced by ones society, culture, community, upbringing, media market.

2.) Outward Tangibles- Things, optional mostly, that occur in ones life that yield only the negative.

I'm done. I have decided that lies are unhealthy, even more so, the ones we tell ourselves.

Let go of a premise that exists not in this plane. If you are in an emotionally DESTRUCTIVE relationship, regardless of why it's destructive, LEAVE! You have spent too much time living and learning on this Earth to sacrifice what you know is right just for the sake of a translucent bond between you and another. At the end of EACH day, your body rests in TRUST that YOU have done everything in secure safety of yourself.

HOW MANY OF YOU SLEEP NOT HAVING PROTECTED YOURSELF FROM OBVIOUS POISIONS!?

all of us.

Start spread'n the news

Blissfully with timid joy I release myself from a debt. Paid in full, I owe myself nothing more than the moments that I take each second. I am free to do as I please with my own life, to create what I feel, to exist only where and how I wish. To write my own map to a fantasy unknown. This challenge stands completed and shaded as the new begins to glow. There is no wrong path, my sweet sir, only the taken and the left behind and aside.

I am STILL a force of unrecognized glory, beaming and swelling as light seeps from the seams. I have no idea as to when I'll finally burst into brilliance, but I know that this fizzle I feel is of no consequence to the negative that I've experienced. I'll push forward until something greater threatens to push back. Until then, move aside or be forced aside.

TUMBLR

I'm weighing the pro's and con's to converting this blog into a Tumblr account. They seem much easier to post loads of information...

IDK

I suppose the time it takes to post isn't the problem, finding enough things of substance to write about seems to be my downfall. I try not to sound like a broken record, but I feel as though I'm dealing with the same issues on repeat.

It's about time

What's worse, never reaching a dream or grabbing it and realizing that it's not something you want to hold onto?

This city was supposed to be what I wanted, I was supposed to become something better. Truth is, I like who and what I am. I just didn't know it. I'm not a diva needing room to strut, I'm not a fashionista in need of inspiration. I'm a WWE fan, I'm a Teke, I'm a beer drinker. I like hoodies and tennis shoes, I'm a competitive cheerleader, I'm a big kid. I thought that coming here would solidify my "dreams" into existence, but they've just helped me realize that I've spent so much time wanting to be some great, realized version of myself and all the while I was already a perfectly sculpted dream come true.

Excuse me, ugly, this is my stop

It's beyond humbling to find out that you're not as awesome as you think you are...well, I don't really think that "humbling" is the correct term...esteem shattering is closer to what I'm experiencing. It's damn near soul crushing to see yourself in the eyes of other people, especially when those people are close to your heart and think less than highly of you. It is very possible that I'm completely overreacting, but regardless of either fact, I hurt now. I don't feel fit to be an adequate companion to anyone. I'm a composition of multiple facades that unravel shortly after the magic of lust has worn thin.

We all have things about us that we'd rather not let show. Those small insecurities that beckon to deplenish any slither of self pride or confidence. We all do our best to stay victorious over the moments that bring us into a self-loathing stupor, but without fail, we have days that prove to challenge us. This past week has been a never ending moment of inner doubt and personal failings. I've failed to encourage myself into my usual delusions of the uncommon beautiful glory that I hold my head high to.

Kristina L.

TRUE DAT!

The Self Portrait, Redone

Obsessed!

SO, you may or may not recongnize the people above, but I certainly have. So much so that I have began to obsess over each of them at a creep like level. No seriously if any of these individuals were to fart in an elevator with me, I'd never leave.

First is Gregory Gorgeous, a youtube vlogger. He (yes, that's a dude) does make-up tutorials and random comedic PSA's and bits. He's absolutely the epitome of androgyny and cuteness. I can't stop looking at his flawless face.

Check out his blog here!

Secondly is Kazaky (shown is one member), an Ukranian boy band that does WERQ. See for yourself. Some of my teammates and I are thinking of being them for Halloween...epic. :)

.

Last is my favorite. Ray William Johnson of Equals 3. He's HILLARIOUS!!! He reviews youtube videos and adds comedic commentary, kind of like Tosh. O, but original. After following him for so long, he's gotten so hot to me.

GEEZUS!! CLICK HERE!

The Script - Walk Away (Remix) Feat B.O.B

Dido, but not so.

Changes, updates, if you will:

1.) I will no longer be wearing colored contacts, I've finally outgrown them and it sucks when people can't actually look me in the eye.

2.) I'm deleting my Dlist account. Friends are out there and I'd rather go organic in my friendships. And I'm New York City now so looking for a bf online is almost ridiculous.

3.) No one nighters, not that I've been indulging, I just find that I'm not comfortable sneaking away from someone at 6 in the morning because my attraction to them was only cum deep.

4.) I've been working out everyday because...because...well, it's time for that, I guess.

5.) You may have noticed that I changed the look of my blog. I'm no longer in such a dark place in my life or mind, so I felt that my blog should reflect my current state of being.

6.) I have a job now, I work at an Aldo Shoes in SoHo, NYC which is a really gay part of New York so hopefully I'll meet a lot of interesting and self absorbed gays and hags.

7.) I'm more happy being single than I used to be. I have figured that I can use this "down time" to prepare my self for "him".

90 days...P90x Week 1

Pillar of Salt.

How is it not possible to never look back, yet learn from your mistakes? Where is that line? How much of missing something is healthy and at what level does it become detrimental to your next step? Does it work in reverse? Can you want something you've never had so much that it petrifies your progress towards getting it? I want things, yet often more than not, once I get what I want, the journey to seems to diminish, almost as if it doesn't matter. How do I enjoy the ride up if all I'm looking forward to is the drop? Maybe that's the problem. No one ever enjoys the ride...it's always after that gets us off. As a kid, I only wanted to be an adult, as an adult, all I want is to be a kid. I'm watching myself miss the ride up. I'm working three steps ahead of my own life staying preoccupied with what's to come, always in tomorrow and never in today.

When you actually think about such cliché's as "no day but today" "live each day as your last" they become more proverbial than worn thin. They hold such wisdom that I've been passing over. Each day should be held in the respect that regardless to yesterday or tomorrow, this moment is mine, this moment is true, this moment I learn, this moment I fail, this moment I grow, this moment I walk towards; towards love, towards joy, towards success, towards peace, towards life, towards the "us", towards my legacy, towards HIM, forward. Ever changing. Ever evolving. Ever forward.

Set fire...watch burn. Ash or Phoenix?

I am not now, nor have I ever been one to kiss and tell, but seeing as how there has been no kiss...all there is left for me is to tell.

This is the tale of the one that remains a shadowed figure atop the distant hill in each sunset of my mind. I first became aware of his existence during his stint as "replacement" best friend to my Best friend who I call Lady (above)

She would tell me about the adventures they would share and I found that with each conversation about him I would grow angry out of fear that this dude was going to be able to permanently take what was MINE! So, naturally, I hated him. >NOTICE: I am NOT a very jealous person at all, but I don't like things stolen from me, especially places. I'm her gay, funny BFF...it was territory that I had rightfully claimed and worked for<

At this point, I still had no idea what this guy looked like which, in retrospect, was much better than knowing. He was fucking gorgeous, which drove the knife deeper. I knew that I was done for. For her to take to him the way that she had meant that he had to be a strong personality as Lady isn't the easiest person to be around, she'll test what you think you know and let you know that she's right...you may think you know what your name is, but ten minutes around her and promise you'll second guess.

So now the no longer faceless opponent became formidable. And readers, let me assure you that this competition is COMPLETELY one sided as I'm quite sure that other than some stories shared about me from Lady to him were the only mentions of me that he had been made aware. NONETHELESS it was a competition!!!!

Well somewhere down the line, I stopped loathing him and began to admire him. I began to become thankful for someone genuine being able provide a solid friendship for Lady.

What that admiration has evolved to is actually more interestingly disturbing than sweet or cute. I think that I've almost made him the beta perfect. From what mutual friends have told me, he is everything that I've written about. A cracked diamond. Half a Picaso. One key short a masterpiece. Me.

I tend to over-think everything as being analytical appears to know only polar extremes in my life. I do fear the shattering of my visionary portrayal of the beautiful film that plays in my mind when thinking of him. But really all that I wish is for me to be able to accurately portray who I really am when it comes time to show him.

Adele - Someone Like You (Live in Her Home)

Block Crushed

In a city full of opportunities and possibilities, I find myself alone. I spend my days in this room, staring at empty inboxes and unchanged pages. I spend so much time missing my old life and my old friends as I am unable to replace the enormous hole that gapes in my chest. Monty, Josh, Trent, Dakota, Vashti...names that I mutter constantly in my sleep, faces that I wish I could turn and see. This apartment is damp with deep pre-existing resentments and stagnation and procrastination and social solitude. I am trying my best to fight it, but without the wings to fly I'm ground bound for the time being. I long for people to call my own, I long for names to whisper joy into. I long for someone to match the love that I hold for those still in Marshall.

The people here walk through their daily lives without the courtesy to stop and smile at each other. I doubt that I will ever become so jaded and cold. I am a midwestern lover. I am a brilliant light of positivity and optimism yearning to see the potential good in everything and everyone. Maybe I'll change the city rather than waiting for the right bandwagon to hop aboard.

I am without a boyfriend and am completely satisfied in the fact. There is a man that I am somewhat waiting for...okay, not somewhat...I am waiting for. He's someone that I've been interested in for more than a year now, but he recently moved home but plans to come back to the city. I suppose that it's fair to say that I'm holding out for the chance to find something genuine in him and not settle for something temporarily satisfying.

VLOGS! Welcome to New York

The Script: Science & Faith

The sophomore album of the UK pop/rock/soul/indie band, The Script.

It shall be on repeat all season long.

NO, GO AWAY!

Fuck off together...

It's become an unearthly habit of mine to seek pain. To search for some extraneous force to pierce my self confidence, to destroy any hope that I have for myself. To loath my own existence. I can't pinpoint where this need for self degradation is rooted, but of course it's most likely tied to some deep, buried, sheathed "daddy" issue.

Men.

Why me? Why us?

We chose this, right?

Maybe in some past life or afterlife rendezvous with the creator, we WERE given a choice. So many of us chose wrong. I'd give anything to be like them. To wake up next to her. To know that one day, she'd walk down an isle in a gown that'll take my breath away. To plan the birth of my child. To live "right", to not be an "abomination". To not have to deal with trying to make two men work as a man and a woman.

It's like we're a joke. Some cruel game. I hate my life. I hate being gay. I hurt. We all hurt. There are easy ways out, but I'm in no hurry to go to hell so...I suppose living is the least of two evils.

Hasan, Sam, Jake, Zed, Dan... you all should have NEVER happened. I should have never fallen in love with any of you. I should have been with a beautiful woman, not with any of you. I'm sorry that you all met me. Honestly, I'm sorry I was ever born. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to fight this.

Dad,

I hate you. You passed this to me. I'm sorry that you were born. I'm sorry that you ruined my mother's life. I will never forgive you. I hate you for every word that crawled from your mouth during that car ride. I will be alone, FINE. But why stop at men. I don't want anyone to say that they love me. What's the point? I will never be able to love anyone back because I hate myself. I hate you. I HATE YOU.

So, I suppose that I do have daddy issues.

God,

let's not do this again...

you've given me no reason to believe that I won't burn forever in hell because of the way that YOU MADE ME. So, you and my dad can fuck off together. Thank you.

Bye.

It's time for a new Dexter. Fuck men. Fuck God. Fuck Love. At the end of the day, all that is REAL is the fact that I'm just another fucking fag...

MARINA AND THE DIAMONDS | I AM NOT A ROBOT[mood play]

Dear Blogsters. Try this...play this song as you read. It's what I like to call Mood Play.

What do you want from me?

To break down in tears

To cry out your name

To say that you were too good for me

To grovel at your feet

To curse my own existence

To say they were right

I won't.

Truth of the matter is that mistakes, no matter how large nor small are valuable to me. I cherish the chance to fuck up and to learn. It pleases me to know that I've messed up, it lets me know that I've still got a ways to go.

I'll never be perfect enough for everyone and such a goal is no longer desired. I only wish to look through the mirror and see what's really there.

IMMA BOSS!

Unlucky us, eh?

You know that character in a movie that's so damaged from past experiences that they're now incapable of having a successful relationship? You know the one, the quirky, cute, yet not hot character that is pursued by the male lead? The one that would rather push the obvious away just to avoid being hurt or in a dead-end romance? I used to wonder how they got there...how someone could ever give up on love, how being with someone could not be ones end goal.

I understand now.

I've accumulated so many failed relationships in these past few months that I hardly recognize myself. Some were my fault, some were not. Yet they all were the same. One thing was evident in all of my failures...there was someone chasing and someone being chased after. Though in some instances, such a formula is the norm and effective in keeping people interested in each other. But, in my film, one was always thrown away. He threw me away, despite my efforts to be his knight in shining armor and I threw him away out of an inescapable feeling of normality and mediocrity.

All of these men taught me so much about myself and relationships:

1. I am only good for a laugh.
2. No gay man really wants love.
3. If you settle--if he settles, you'll both regret it.
4. Love, though a pretty idea, does not exist...especially for gay men.
5. Any attraction to me has an expiration date...so far, it's 2 weeks.
6. I'm going to be alone and should become used to the idea. Without dramatics or over analytical perceptions, I believe this to be true...a very important man to me spoke these words to me in confidence. (Thanks Dad, the first thing I've ever learned from you, glad we got so close)
7. No matter how sweet a man seems, if you do him wrong, he WILL turn.
8. Gay men are not worth love. They are driven only by passion and fleeting emotions. Hoping from man to man without regard to the last.
9. I'd rather be ALONE than to ever trust myself in another relationship.
10. Being gay is a curse that I wish I could be cured of.

Evidence: "I think I Wanna Marry You"

BLOG! Fat Titties are everywhere and I don't have enough hand to palm them all...frustration station. I have a story of epic cuteness that I must share with you, so take a load off from the stress of being mildly attractive and slightly overweight like the rest of us, to read a tale of food, passion and new beginnings.

It's the beginning of Winter Break and I start dating this amazing guy (now boyfriend) named Hasan, we follow the basic procedure of exchanging favorites and interests. I tell him that I'm a fan of sweet things and of course he's a fan of all things salty. I like sugar, he can't get enough of high cholesterol. He asks me what my favorite thing to drink is, I tell him that I am quite fond of "Chad's" from Sonic, Chad's being the name created by my friends as a Lemon Berry Slush with extra Lemon and extra lime. He tells me that his favorite beverage is Water. Just water. I find this odd, but nonetheless, interesting. We venture further into favorite colors, mine green, his black and so forth until we get to food. I ask "What do you prefer to eat" He replies "sushi" and I say Fettuccine. I tell him that this break had been beyond my wildest expectations as I had met AMAZING friends and gone dancing nearly every night and had the privilege of coming home to kick it with him. I did, however, express my unsatisfactory goal to acquire some White Castles...I had been in St. Louis for weeks now and still had not indulged in it's wonderful mini-burger goodness. But, I digress.

The morning I left, he stayed the night and as I walked him to his car, I felt a sharp pain of longing for him even though he had not yet left my sight. I reluctantly hug and kiss him goodbye and watch as his car drifts towards the empty streets ahead. I then tread back upstairs to finnish packing my life away in preparation to return to school.

About twenty minutes later, I receive a text message from him asking me to come downstairs because he had forgotten to give me something. I walk out to his car and up to his window and he is smiling at me...I felt like he was going to shoot and or stab me, so I approached while creating an escape plan simultaneously. I reach the car and he pulls out this...

Evidence A: White Castles (Double Bacon Cheeseburgers, Cheese Chicken Rings) and Sonic (A Chad)

I'm going to Marry this kid.

My presence is a present, kiss my ass

***2011! New Years 2011!***

The night started with Dinner at Gustavos where I met up with Chris, Gustavo, Kelly and Nelly.

And might I just add that I'm completely in love with Kelly, she's a bad ass Lesbian with a rack that I cannot get enough of. By far, my party twin.

We all pre-gamed like loko champs and headed out to The Complex where the line was ridiculous so we dropped out and headed to JJ and Erneys where we danced until the floor cried out for a break. Then midnight approached and RIGHT before the countdown began, but after my hair gave up on me, HE showed up and gave me the best New Year ever. ♥

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