I traded my near perfect life for this. A severe feeling of inadequacy, normality and self doubt. I love who I am! But, I don't know love who I am.
My "Bring it On" callback was today. Today was supposed to be "my day" the day that changed it all for me. Today I was to reassure myself that staying here was the right choice, that giving up school, Brett, NCA, TKE and my boys was necessary in order to become the best Dexter possible. But all I'm walking away with is a "thank you all for your time, you are free to go". I can lie to myself and regain a bit of joy to this shit show, but for what?
I thought I was special. lol
I really did.
I thought that I was unique in my personality and in my skills, but there truly is always someone better...waiting to let you know that truth. Today those men showed me what it really means to be in New York. They were all so beautiful, black, tall, fit, personable with dashing smiles that matched their amazing skills. I blended in...and out.
I'm nothing special. I'm not ever going to be someone's "yes" in this city. I'm just another nameless face trying to get someone to recognize that THEY AREN'T THE SAME AS EVERYONE ELSE. But the TRUTH is that you are. WE are. I am. The same.
They won't call me back. I'm not exceptional in anything. There were better cheerleaders there, better singers, better dancers, better actors, all much more beautiful and vibrant than the last.
I wouldn't cast me. I'm nice...but in all honesty I can't bring anything to the table that isn't already there.
So, like, what now? Pack it up and return home a failure, a weakling not strong enough to endure the cut throat agenda of the BIG APPLE? But go home to do what?
Go back to school.
Get a real job, teaching.
Fall in love.
Start a family.
That sounds pretty good.
Because of my current emotional turmoil, I decided to NOT go to work, leaving multiple people in a crisis. I couldn't go back to work anyhow because due to my procrastination, I haven't cashed my check yet, so my bills are late and I'm without metro fair.
This is the worst that I've ever felt since being here.
I don't even have a room to go and cry in. I'm living on the couch in the living-room so I have 0 privacy or a place of refuge. I'm trapped! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH please, someone. Anyone. I can't. I've made so many mistakes, I'm sabotaging my OWN LIFE AND I CAN'T STOP! I'm watching myself make the wrong decisions and I can't stop. I don't feel like myself. I'm my worst enemy, really...I care so much for myself but I can't stop hurting myself.
I'M ALONE.
No friends.
No Boyfriend.
No one to vent to.
I can't talk to my usual friends, because I can't let them know how fucked up I am.
But I can talk to you.
You know. The one person in this world that I miss, truly more than anyone else...Jake Cypret.
He was my best friend. So smug and self righteous, but honest as they came, as loyal as they came, as sweet as they came, as beautiful inside as out.
But. I fucked that one up too.
I'm done.
I actually feel a bit better.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow, I will have to face the charred remains of the many bridges that went up in flames today.
But, that's tomorrow.
This is now.
Now, I'm going to smoke, drink and hopefully do enough of the both that none of this SHIT is going to matter. Stay tuned for the post that'll let you know which rehab you can send candy to.
No comments:
Post a Comment