Recycle and Remember me not

When Antonnio broke up with me to date Travis, I thought that he was an asshole. I thought that it can't be that easy for anyone to throw another person away, that there must be something wrong with him. But, recent events have lead me to believe that it isn't him, it's me. There is something about me that is fairly simple to discard.

My rooommate, Vashti, a week ago dropped the bomb that she wasn't renewing the lease with me, that she wanted to move in with some other people closer to school. It was 2 days before she started moving out. I can't afford this place alone so I'm being forced to either sleep on her couch at the new place or go back home. Of course I'm going home. Yesterday night, when a few of my boys where over, she came with a group of guys (TKE pledges) and took the sofa and tv stand right from under us. She literally asked us to move onto the love seat so that she could take the sofa. Worst part is that I got no text or warning. We had JUST had a connverstation about the furniture about an hour before she came and she said that she was going to leave the furniture as long as possible because I really didn't want to live in an empty house with nowhere to sit for the little time that I had left (which was about a week). When they took these things, she didn't clean up from the mess that was under the furniture. CLEANING...

Let me vent a little. Vashti is one of the boys, meaning she thinks and acts more like a boy than your typical 115lbs. white girl. Unfortunately that means that she does NOT clean, ever. They had a dog that would shit everywhere in the house or piss and only ONCE did I ever see her clean up after him. I would always scrub, hands and knees SCRUB the piss and shit clean. I also cleaned the bathroom, shower and toilet and the rest of the apartment top to bottom. Then she decided to rescue some kittens and they went H.A.M. on our house, I'm talking a shitarmagedon everyday. NOT ONCE did she ever clean up after them. It was always me. And now that we're leaving, I got homes for the kittens, just like I was forced to get a home for the dog. She just complained about the animals and went home on the weekends, leaving me with a gross house that she never cleaned and a destroyed carpet that I ALWAYS CLEANED before she came back from home.

Well there are all these cat pee and poo stains and piles behind bookcases and tv stands and where ever else they decided to go. Well, I cleaned the majority of them and planned on cleaning the hidden piles when we all left and came to clean for inspection. I never received, or really wanted a "thank you" because it was OUR home and I didn't want her living in filth anymore than I wanted to live in it.

After all of that, when she didn't even clean up the mess that now lies in place of all of our furniture, I've concluded that she just expects me to clean it up or just doesn't care that it's there. Either way, she doesn't care about me. She couldn't wait to leave. I had driven her away that much that she was able to snatch the furniture from under my friends and myself and leave trash, cords, dvds, books, stains and other shit lying all over the floor in the livingroom that I had JUST cleaned a day before. She didn't even sleep her last night. I woke up from another Antonnio dream feeling worthless and lame, just to walk out to an empty, cold, fucked up home. My room is still perfectly intact and the only thing keeping me sane. This house used to be my source of joy and relaxation, but now, like my memories of Antonnnio, they burn and torture me. She left just as quickly as he did and with just as much heart. The last thing she did was stand by the door and when our eyes met, she made a sad, frown face and closed the door. I don't care if I ever see her again.

Generic Heartache understood.

I can't stop hurting. I can't stop hurting! My heart won't stop aching, my breaths won't stop racing and my mind won't stop wondering.

It's been WEEKS but I still burn like it all happened yesterday.

I can never date again. I can't imagine ever going through this again. I'm being tortured by myself. He's COMPLETELY moved on like everyone else and I'm still so alone and without worth.

I know that I'm a good man, but I can't see it or feel it. I only feel used, ugly and damned.

I used to mock people that walked away from relationships torn and damaged. Why not just get over it, push that loser aside and move on? Naive. I was so blind to the real dangers and chance of loving someone. I'm realizing that rarely do two people walk away from a relationship. Someone is always left on the ground, gasping for air and understanding.

You have damaged me. I will NEVER forget you. I can't forgive you because I haven't healed, at all. There's only tears and raw emotion streaming at a constant. A never ending plague of harsh self judgement and insecurity. I didn't know I loved you like this. I didn't know I could ever be this damn stuck on someone.

I hate you, but TRAGICALLY, I love you more.

I fight posting statuses and tweets about you and him, because I don't want to be so obvious, but I just want you to know that you've harmed someone on this Earth, deep. You've removed my hope and taken with you, my joy and love for myself.

I used to wish and pray that I'd wake up and all of our memories were erased, but now I hope that I NEVER FORGET this relationship. I want this pain to resonate within for as long as I live, because I'd rather push everyone away for the rest of my life and die alone than to EVER endure this emotional war tale again.

Dumped

It's all gone.

Antonnio left me.

My roommate told me she doesn't want to renew the lease and that she's moving in with someone else this week.

I have to go back home.

I lost my job.

Rock. Bottom.

Get it out.

I'm so sorry, Dexter.

I just want it all to stop.

The doubts, the thoughts, the never-ending letdowns, the tears, the anger, the heartache.

I'm attempting to purge this mood by letting it out, by talking to the only person I can, you.

Yet, it is without harvest.

I am still gray.

My joy is elsewhere.

I sit here, alone, betrayed by myself again.

Honestly, I wish I could just fall asleep and stay that way. I'm beyond repair. A wrecked shell of circumstance and irresponsibility and mediocrity. A useless, shattered toy, too delicate to be held. I hate myself, the man I've become, the failure. Easily pushed aside for better and never looked back upon.

I wish I knew the real reasons you left. I wish you could tell me what was so ugly about me that made it possible to fall in someone else's arms a day from being in mine. How? How was it so easy? Why didn't I matter...to any of you.

Jake, why didn't I matter enough to keep you from Jordan's arms?

Sam, you practically sprinted to B.J.

Antonnio, I don't even think you waited until we had broken up to move on.

I'm so easily replaced.

What value do I have to place on myself?

And so it goes...

You know when people say that their life has "fallen apart"?

I wish that my life could fall apart.

Falling apart means that at one point everything was together.

I'm losing everything. My home, my job, my self.

I lost Antonnio to my faults and now they come to claim everything else.

Take it, but please don't leave me.

I'm only 23, but I'm already so tired of this battle.

I used to rely on the thought of a "God" that was above watching my suffering in hopes that my perseverance would lead me to where he needs me to be. But the reality is that believing in a God is much easier than accepting that you don't really matter and there is no divine plan, just the rotation of the earth around the Sun.

I have no strength in myself. My trust issues, unfortunately, apply to myself more than others. I don't believe that I'll ever get it together, I've entered a world of debt, low income and massive amounts of doubt.

I have no idea what to do now...

No longer

There is no worth in a boyfriend/husband.

I can get sex (if I want it) from a stranger and fun from my friends.

Why would I throw a title on someone and my tie my heart to an individual that WILL only let me down.

I am no exception. I can only cause harm, eventually. So why waste my, or another's time?

Exactly.