To you.

I wish I could just move on.

-but I can't. Maybe it's a gay trait that I haven't learned yet, but when I give myself to someone, I'm theirs. So I try to move on but end up waiting for them to realize in a moment that I'm still there. I knew this moment would come, but so soon was completely devastating. I hope that he treats you well. You shared a night and I pray that that's not all it was to him. As MUCH as I want to hate you, I just can't. As much as I wanted to just grab you and tell you how I felt, as much as I pick up my phone to text you, I can't. Don't go all out for this guy. A guard is a good thing, it keeps you safe. I wish I had listened to mine. I'd give so much for us to be right for each other, but I'm certain that what I'm feeling is so harshly one-sided that it's nearly impossible. It hurt to read what happened that night, I can't ever recall crying over a dude.

That night. The night that I had reluctantly rushed into. The night that I knew shouldn't have happened. But, I decided that I'd just surprise you. I had spent hours on a card for you and needed to see your face as you read it, but when I got there, he was there. I guess his surprise was better than mine. You hugged me and took the card. I knew at that moment that we were over. I mean, come on, he's a good looking dude. I just hope that he treats you as well as I tried to. I had changed so much in anticipation for you. I was hoping that you were it. You weren't. To be honest, to this day, I'll still never talk shit on you. I just can't. You're a good guy, you just don't express yourself well. All I wanted from you was to feel like I wasn't someone to sleep with. I never quite got what I was looking for. I miss you. I can't tell you how many times I've had to throw my phone across the room to avoid texting you. I can't count how many times I replayed that night in my head.

If it's a game that you're after, consider yourself victor. I've lost and I don't care. You taught me so much about myself and relationships that I wouldn't take back one moment. I got hurt, I've doubted myself, I cried, I screamed, I got pissed. But I smiled A LOT, I woke up thinking about an amazing guy, I saw you and fell and in most ways I'm still falling. I got to kiss you. I got to look you in the eyes. I got to feel your heartbeat. I got to tell someone secrets that I'd been afraid of speaking. I got to be real with someone. I got to meet some really cool people. I got sit down and make shit for you. I got to work hard to take the time off to visit you. I got to believe in something bigger than myself. I got to fall in love.

To him.

Treat this one good, bro. He's a lot to handle but if you stick with it I'm certain that it'll be worth it. When he says he doesn't want to talk to you, he's actually trying to say "call me right now". When he says "I hate you" it's only because "I love you" is too hard to say. If you ever get him to say it to your face, be sure to realize how lucky you are. If you ever manage to get through the walls that he's set up, then I shall tip my hat to you for being the man that I could never be. He's extremely sarcastic, but for now it's the best way for him to tell you that he cares. You don't want to be on this side of the fence, believe me. No hard feelings either. I wish someone had given me instructions on him.

OH! And don't call his mom "Ma'am" she doesn't like it. And when/if you meet his dad, make sure you fix that handshake, it was a little weak at the club.

Good luck.

Sam,

I would like to say this is goodbye, but I know myself better than that. I'm still here. What's in that card still stands. I'll always be someone to talk to if you need it. You're never really alone.

Love,

Dexter...who is not the Zero.