"Stay with me" by Danity Kane is one of those triggers.
This song holds so much pain for me. It wasn't until I heard it about 10 minutes that I remembered how damaged I was (ha, damaged....as in their single....shut up). I would love to chalk all of my less than happy love ached memories and times as just whackness, but the truth is that I was truly ignorant to the evils of man and the dangerous innocence of youth. I used to search online for hours in search of someone to fill physical voids that seemed to widen daily. During this particular time in my life I was completely hooked on someone that was not only uninterested in me as a person, but my race as a whole. I was so naive that I blinded myself from very evident truths that were attempting to reveal themselves to me.
I would wait there in front of my computer waiting for him to log on so that I could IM him. He'd ignore me, yet over and over I was convinced that he was just as much in love with me that I was with him. I pictured myself laying next to him, kissing him, meeting his friends, getting wasted together, moving in with him...
He ended me.
He told me that black guys are "just kind of ugly" to him. That felt amazing. He was unknowingly playing into my biggest insecurity of the time. His words burned into my skin and I saw that label for months after we stopped talking.
I was so eager to fall in love that I fell into depression.
Never will I ever let this repeat itself.
Thank you for a very valuable lesson learned.
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